The Very Secret Journal of Dr Gregory House & Co
by bardvahalla
Summary: NOW UP! CHAPTER SEVEN: Det. Michael Tritter. Based on Bridget Jones' Diaries. Chapter 1 is House. Chapter 2 is Cameron. Chapter 3 is Chase. Chapter 4 is Foreman. Chapter five is Wilson. Cuddy is chapter six.
1. Chapter 1

The Very Secret Journal Of Gregory House, MD

By Bardvahalla 2005

Day 1 - Pulled muscle while out golfing. Stings a bit.

Day 4 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

NnnnnnnnnnnNNNNnnnnNNNNNNnnnnAAAAAAAGH!

Day 6 - Still alive post op. Leg hurts like HELL! Death preferable.

Day 7 - Screw this! Will skip ahead five years.

Day 1692 - Vicodin: 15. (V. Good)

Snarky comments: 14 (Racial Slurs: 3 - Sexual references: 6 – General: 5)

Patients Saved: 1.5

Should call Cameron and breath heavily into receiver. Wonder if she has call display?

Day 1693 - Sexy, scruffy stubble – check. Icy blue eyes – check. Chicks begging to do me – check.

Addiction to drug that leaves me completely impotent – check. Wait? Excuse me?

Day 1695 - Wilson complete prat. Shagging everything in a skirt, included v. startled Scotman in clinic. Show off.

Vicodin: 18. (N. Good)

Musical interludes 3 (V. bad)

Day 1696 - Foreman copying my look again. Next thing you'll know the big silly will be claiming rare disease makes him "white." As if!

Stubble update - Tres Manly.

Vicodin: 16. (Better)

Day 1999 - Chase's accent SO fake. He finally got proper hair cut, but only after Wilson mistook him for girl & copped a feel. HAHA!

Vicodin: 12. (V. v. Good)

Snarky comments: 24 (Various)

Day 2000 - Cameron all clingy and whiney.

"Why don't you like MEEEEEEE? I like Youuuuuuu. So why don't you like meeeeeeeeeeeee?" Can't out run little tramp. Will try whacking her with cane.

Vicodin: 21. (V. Flaccid)

Patients saved: 14 (Epidemic)

Day 2001 - Cuddy sneezed, nearly took out Foreman's eye.

Do all hospital administrators dress like cheap hookers?

Vicodin: 22

Products plugged: 21

Day 2007 - Patient lied about chest cold. Really had giant spear sticking out of chest.

Had prescribed Vap-O-Rub. Oopsie! (Note to self - Must schedule autopsy.)

In other news, think Foreman has hots for me. Caught him photoshopping me in v. v. sordid ways.

Am both appalled and intrigued.

Bet Wilson $50 that Chase wears ladies' panties under lab coat.

Vicodin: 17.

Day 2014 - Missed General Hospital, dammit! Cameron and Wilson shagging like bunnies on my TV.

Told them to use janitorial closet next time. Ingrates!

Have caught British inflection from girlie Chase. V. annoying.

Vicodin: 26 w/ 4 vodka chasers

Day 2016 - Sexual addiction epidemic sweeping clinic. Everyone shagging but me. Why?Am v. stubbly. Snarky. Arrogant and always right.

What the hell is the MATTER with these people?

Vicodin: 13.

Products plugged: 35

Day 2019 - All in all, v. v. tiring day. Whiney Cameron forcing me out on date.

Ex-squeeze Stacy friend showed up – wants me to play doctor.

Foreman IMing rude portraits of himself wearing hospital gown.

Wilson came out of closet, wants to play House - me to be 'mommy'.

UPDATE: Cuddy groped Vicodin bottle in pocket & Chase stroked cane under table - both now COMPLETELY misled about my situation.

Vicodin w/ Viagra 10

Products plugged: 35

People plugged: 8 (Wilson & Chase twice) Note- On bright side – won $50!

Day 2022

Stubble worked too well. Renewed for a second season.

Kill me now.

Vicodin: 89


	2. Chapter 2

The Very Secret Journal of Allison Cameron 

By Bardvahalla (2005)

Day 1 - Have been hired as token female doctor at Princeton. Colleagues are Foreman (token black) and Chase (token Australian? Blond? Rich guy? Whatever.)

Day 2 - Hate Chase. Little stuck-up snot prob. looks better than me in a dress. Accent SO fake. Prob. a bottle blonde too.

Day 3 - House so dishy. Scrummy. Scruffy. Wish he would call and breathe heavily into receiver.

Day 4 - Why do they always want ME to tell the patient they're gonna kick it? I hate that! You never get a good tip if the prognosis is terminal!

Day 5 – Wilson offered to perform breast examination. Are all oncologists this pervy?

Day 6 – House is so totally sex on squeels . Snarky. Bossy. Find Ipod fixation v. v. disturbing tho. Did not know it was safe to do THAT with earbuds.

Day 7 – Caught Wilson with very startled Scotman.

Or maybe was Chase wearing plaid skirt.

Later: IT WAS CHASE! He IS prettier than me, dammit! Stupid Chase.

Day 8 – Foreman copying H's scruffy look, complete with sneakers and cane. Pathetic.

Day 9 – Cornered House in corridor. Expressed feelings. Explained in detail my deep, passionate desire to exchange more than just titillating banter. Demanded romantic but equal relationship, a 2-carat rock, no pre-nup, lifelong commitment, etc., etc.

Got whacked with cane.

DAMMIT! Why are men so non-committal these days!

Day 10 – Bought House present. Refused. Offered to wax his car. Rejected. Showed him my inoculation scar. Not interested. Brought samples of mint-flavored lube to his attention and he ranted about cherry flavors. There simply is no pleasing this man.

Day 11 - WHY ISN"T HOUSE INTO ME! I'm cute as button. Perky. Know how to play doctor. I know it's only season one, but what's a token female got to do to get some nooky around here?

Day 12 – Wilson TOTALLY in into me on House's desk.

House v. v. annoyed. Apparently Wilson sat on IPod.

Note to self - thumping bass line v. inspiring.

Day 13 – Janitorial closet not as bad as expected. Wilson had waterbed and video camera set up already. Many strange little pencil marks on wall and a heart shape with 'JW + GH 4-evah!'

The hell?

Day 14 – Foreman sent interesting mass e-mail. Foreman majorly hot in tiny, sparkly thong. Who knew?

Day 15 - Date with House TONIGHT! Borrowed Chase's plaid skirt.

LATER – WAAAAAAH! Look like COW in stupid skirt!

Chase's still prettier than me, DAMMIT!

Day 16 – Date went v. bad. Large bottle of Vicodin in pants v. misleading.

Also child-proof caps most annoying.


	3. Chapter 3

The Very Secret Journal of Robert Chase 

By Bardvahalla (2005)

Day 1 – House hired perky-breasted brunette with ME! ME! ME! attitude! At least self-absorbed moron isn't blonde.

Day 2 – Foreman asked if I use _Ms. Clairol_. The hell? Is there a bet on or is tattoo-boy going Rodman?

Day 3 – House called and panted heavily into receiver. Scruffy little perv! Daddy's right. The English accent drives 'em wild.

Day 4 – Housy called meeting. Unanimous. Cameron's doing "Tell 'em, they're terminal" duty from now on. HA! HA!

Later - Stuck up-little twerp implied my accent's fake. Hate Cameron.

Day 5 – Wonder if House is into pretty Scotsmen? Will try short plaid skirt.

Later - 'Regimental' or Victoria's Secret? Decisions! Decisions!

Day 6 –Why am I so hung up on House? That snarky perv's always playing mind games, forcing me do his bidding, toying with that long hard cane, staring with those gorgeous ice-blue eyes that make 'Little Chaste' stiff as one of Cameron's terminal patients… erm…what was the question?

Later - Wilson _completely_ insatiable during Clinic duty. BONUS! Learned new use for stethoscope!

Day 7 –Am naturally blond. Dishy in a plaid skirt. Am loaded but House just not into me! WHY?

Stupid House.

Foreman tried dye. Hair now bright orange. Looks like gang affiliated pumpkin. Honestly! House's style so not him. Suggested Black Eyed Peas argyle sweater ensemble, but he NEVER listens to ME.

Stupid Foreman!

Day 8 – Wilson suggested pigtails for that 'Sailor Moon' look.

Wilson really creeping me out.

Day 9 – Scameron's so obvious. So materialistic! All she's wants is MY House.

Day 10 – Have brilliant idea to attract House!

Later - Internet useless. No Vicodin-flavored lube anywhere. Ordered cherry flavor instead.

Day 11 – Silly Cameron throwing herself at House. Pathetic, esp. since she throws like a girl.

Day 12 – Found out Wilson now has hots for …. CAMERON?

Dammit! I'm WAY prettier than her! Hate Wilson. Hate Cameron.

LATER - Cuddy insists Cherry lube not legit medical expense. Docking pay.

Hate Cuddy!

Day 13 – Silly janitorial closet is locked. Dammit! I left my sparkly thong in there and have hot date tonight with entire protology dept.! Stupid Wilson and his live HOTDOC porno webcasts!

Day 14 – Now know why Foreman always hogging computer. Rude e-mails made House hork his Rueben into wastebasket. Note to self - Sparkly thong looks WAY better on me.

Day 15 - Scammy asked to borrow plaid skirt. Should wash it in v. hot water first.

Later – Oopsie! Skirt shrunk rather badly. My bad.

Scameron looked like 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag! Date with House ruined! WHEEEEEEE!

Day 16 –House lapsing into British accent.The hell? Bet Wilson twenty bucks Foreman starts to talk Brit by next week.

Later – Copped feel during meeting. SQUEEEE!

Is that an extra large bottle of Vicodin in his trousers or was he just glad to see me!

Day 17 – Pits. Was Vicodin bottle after all.

Date not complete loss… learned various new uses for Ipod.

Day 18 – DAMMIT! Has anyone seen my frilly panties?


	4. Chapter 4

The Very Secret Journal of Eric Foreman 

By Bardvahalla (2005)

Day 1 – House so hot.

Day 2 – House v. hot today.

Day 3 – House. Mmm! Hot. Mmm!

Day 4 – House v. hot and v. naughty today. Hired perky brunette. Wonder if she digs tattoos on token black guys.

Day 5 – Chase traipsing around like tacky Scottish bimbo. House oblivious. HAHA!

Day 6 – House caught me sniffing his iPod. Think he suspects.

Later: V. bored. Taught Wilson my stethoscope trick. Was v. v. impressed.

Are all onocologists this naïve and impressionable?

Day 7 – Am certain Chase uses bleach, but stuck-up little twat denies it.

Am going to try Brassy Blonde #24 tonight. Should do test patch first, right?

Day 8 – Hair now wavy orange. Am completely put out. Did quick fix with purple Kool-aid.

LATER - Cuddy sneezed. Eye now swollen. Called lawyer re: poss. harassment lawsuit.

Day 9 – GO ME! Finally figured out password for House's laptop. Is '_vicodin69_'. SQUEEE!

Later – took sev. hours but FINALLY found House's super secret dirty pictures on the desktop in a folder labeled "PORN." House so clever.

Later still - Is that Cuddy in a furry suit and leather pumps? Forwarded copy to lawyer. This could be v. profitable.

Day 10 – Chase hogging internet ALL bloody day. Doesn't he have a porn video to make with Wilson or something?

LATER – found sparkly thong in Janitorial closet.

Day 11 – Silly Cameron on House like flies on pie and got same basic reaction. Buzz off! Hoping House looking for tall, dark, handsome soMEone in sparkly ensemble!

Day 12 – Caught Wilson doing stethoscope trick w/ Cameron. Chase all snippy. "I'm way hotter than little Miss Frilly Knickers, aren't I, Eric? Eric? ERIC?" Wanker.

Day 13 – Photoshopping ALL day. Thinking up clever captions v. difficult.

"How sick do you like it?" or "Is that a rectal thermometer in your lab coat?" or "Say AAAAAAH!"

Later: emailed House! Am all excited and tingly! Did I mention that House is hot?

Later again: Realized mailed pics to entire hosp. mailing list, including board directors. Whoopsie!

Nobody reads interoffice email anyway, right?

Day 14 – Poor House exhibiting flu-like symptoms. Puked after logging on. Offered to hold his head but he barfed on sneakers.

LATER: Wow. Thought Chase looked bad in whorish plaid skirt. Cameron complete blimp. White people have no taste. Except House. House so cool.

NOTE: Sparky thong v. itchy. Should switch to Hanes.

Day 15 – Cameron has date with House. Am certain is only a ruse to make Wilson back off. "_I wanna be more than friends, Greg. There's something I wanna show you in the janitorial closet, Greg_. DO ME GREG DO ME!" Wilson's such a skank.

Later: Cuddy willing to settle lawsuit quietly. Also offered to throw in frilly, low-cut blouses and high heeled pumps. Am considering.

Day 16 – Slutty Chase groping House under table. Hate Chase.

NOTE TO SELF: special meeting w/ board of directors.

LATER: Board of directors v. v. peculiar people. Sparkly thing now stretched out of shape.

Day 17 – Can't take it anymore! Replaced H's Vicodin with Viagra.

NOW I'll get some hot House action around here!

LATER - Nurse all snippy. "Patients all dying. Doesn't ANYONE practice MEDICINE around here?" Bitch.

Day 18 – Woke up w/ v. bad hangover, wearing frilly panties, w/ cherry lube all over my hospital gown and an iPod in my .

Note on pillow – thought it was Chase's writing at first but it said – "Work on Brit. accent. Drives me WILD. Smooches, Greg."

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


	5. Chapter 5

The Very Secret Journal of James Wilson 

By Bardvahalla (2005)

Day 1 – I'm so hot.

Day 2 – V. hot today.

Day 3 – Who's hot? Me! Oh yeah!

Surgeons: 2

Paramedics: 2

Day 4 – Still in shock. House hired a REAL girl this time. House v. put out when discovered Chase technically a male.

Nurses: 5 (V. good)

Day 5 – Sulked in clinic. Met v. pretty Scotsman.

Later: Scotsman actually House's little Aussie chewtoy! Accent v. fake, but still makes me wild.

Board of directors: 3 (Suppressed motion!)

Day 6 – Foreman so sweet and clueless. Thinks he taught ME hoary old stethoscope trick. House uses same technique thing w/ iPod earbuds. Gosh! House so versatile.

Later: Why isn't House into me? Am boyishly babelicious, v. limber and awfully fetching in Spandex.

Paramedics: 1

Day 7 – Convinced Foreman to go blond. Offer him blue contacts, but think he's starting to suspect. Tattoos bit of a turnoff anyway. Should press Chase to grow scruff and try fake American accent instead.

St. John Ambulance guys: 3

Day 8 – Dying patients totally interfering w/ social life. Stupid patients.

Nurses: 2

Gynecology dept. 3

Day 9 –Chase avoiding Japanese school girl angle. Stupid Chase!

Cash pouring in from HOTDOC porn site, but alimony STILL killing me.

Med school did not prepare me for this sort of issue.

NOTE TO SELF: Tell all patients they're terminal. Saves time, false hopes, etc.

LATER: Slutty Cameron NOW after House. BITCH!

Day 10 – House bet Chase wears ladies unmentionables. HA! Have inside track here. Can't lose. Sparkly thong won't count.

Pornos uploaded: 17 (V. v. good)

Janitors: 2

Day 11 – Tried to convince Cameron to go blond, wear blue contacts and stop waxing moustache.

Later: Over heard Cameron say I'm starting to creep her out.

Hate Cameron.

Nurses' assistants: 2

Silk plant in lobby: 1

Day 12 – Chase v. annoying. "I'm way prettier than Cameron, wight Jamie? House wuvs my widdle accent, doesn't he? Mmm? Well? Paging Wilson? HULLO?" Pushy little scrunt.

Nurses: 10 (convention)

Stuffed Teddy Bear: 1

Day 13 – Inter office email v. enlightening. Must call board meeting. Insist Foreman bring briefs.

Cafeteria ladies: 2

Parking lot attendant: 1

Day 14 – V. bad day.

Chase got haircut, DAMMIT! How can I tape 'Sailor Moon gets a Pap Smear" now?

Nurses: 0 (V. bad)

X-Ray tech: .5 (Midget)

Day 15 – House v. standoffish. Going out on date with skanky Cameron.

Hate House.

Call from lawyer. Marriage over. The hell? I got married again? Must keep track of that sort of thing.

Ex-wives: 7 (V. bad)

Day 16 – Board meeting w/ Foreman. V. satisfying results.

Too bad sparkly thong ruined. Was itchy anyway.

Later: Foreman claiming 'White Board' discriminatory. Foreman SUCH a hemorrhoid.

Proctology dept. 6

Day 17 – Put Viagra in House's coffee filter and 'Spanish Fly' in sugar. Prescription?

Take me 10 times daily! Rrrrowwwr!

LATER: MY HO! In the middle of the street! My HO! He likes me to lick his feet!

MY HO!

Hickeys: 7 (SQUEEE!)

Dead patients: 8 (V. bad.)

Day 18 – Rather nasty day.

Lost panty bet, dammit! How does House KNOW this stuff!

Nurses: 4. (better)

Crabs found from infected thong: 14. (Oh dear)

Personal STD's: Various test results ranging from 'dbl. POSITIVE' to 'inconclusive'.

Antibiotic prescriptions: 7.


	6. Chapter 6

The Very Secret Journal of Lisa Cuddy 

By Bardvahalla (2005)

Day 1 – I have boobies!

Day 2 – Look at my boobies!

Day 3 – Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

Day 4 – Interviewing for secretary. Placed ad_. SWF seeks cute young male massage therapist into cleavage, cougars, long hours and thoroughly going through my briefs. Ability to spell a plus._

Lawsuits: 1.

Patient Complaints: 4

Day 5 – Oh my God! Is that Chase in a plaid skirt? What a SLUT!

Nice legs tho.

Threats of lawsuits: 2

Wardrobe malfunctions: 1

Day 6 – Ew! Gross! What's this gunk on all the clinic stethoscopes?

Patient Complaints: 2

Day 7 – Oh for God's sake! Does Wilson live in that damn janitorial closet?

Lawsuits: 2

Day 8 – Told Mexican handyman to mow lawn, fix porch, paint fence, shave bunions, wash thongs and do that little dance I like.

In other news: Hired male secretary. Dumb as a post, but who cares? Is cheaper than escort service.

Later: Sneezed and fell out of blouse. Perhaps ought to start wearing bra.

Stupid bra.

Patient Complaints: 1 (Better)

Day 9 – MORE complaints from patients. Apparently Chase's skirt does not instill confidence, esp. when he squeals like a girl.

Fed up with Wilson. Told him hospital is taking 20 off top of porno revenues. He balked, whining about his 5 or 6 ex-wives to support. Settled for 15. GO ME!

New clingy doctor Cameron threw herself at House. Missed completely. Dented wall. Will dock pay.

Threat of lawsuits: 11 (5 House. 6 Wilson. Is there a freaking bet on or something?)

Day 10 – Foreman such a knob. Looks like Dennis Rodman having a v. bad hair day.

LATER: Old codger in wheelchair stared at contents of low cut frilly blouse, plummeted down flight of stairs. GO ME!

Complaints: 1 (Wife of codger)

Wardrobe malfunctions: 1 (see above)

Day 11 – Saw Wilson, covered in cherry-flavored lube, getting it on with fake foliage in lobby. Thought I'd seen everything around here.

LATER: Foreman blackmailing me for bling bling. Dammit. There goes my shoe budget!

Lawsuits: 1

Threat of Lawsuits: 2

Day 12 – Chase such a diva. Wonder if House thinks he's prettier than me.

LATER: Showed House boobies. Not impressed. _"Your bra needs drycleaning, Cudder."_

THAT son of a BITCH!

Day 13 – Foreman v. v. hot in sparkly thong. Wait a minute! THAT'S MY SPARKY THONG! House obv. breaking into my place again and selling panties to junior staff.

Hate House!

Missing undies: 16

Day 14 – Caught Foreman producing blackmail photos. Esp. liked the one of him, House, the feather boa and the duck.

House IS strangely hot. Can't say WHY exactly.

Patient Complaints: 16 (V. bad)

Day 15 – Wilson all in a tizzy because Cameron forcing House on date. Silly Cameron! Her Freudian father figure fixation so blatantly transparent the entire hospital laughing at her pathetic attempts to gain affection from man whose head so far up own butt that he views the world past back molars and MY boobies are WAY better then hers!

LATER: Okay. WHY is House hot? Is skinny, scruffy, badly dressed, arrogant bastard. The hell?

Note to self: Check R&D lab ducts for errant pheromone contamination.

Day 16 – God, Foreman has stamina! If only he wasn't such fashion fiasco and toady. _"But why aren't blue contacts considered a tax write off, Dr. Cuddy?" _Evenfound long distance charges from office to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. And was that a tattoo of House on his butt? What a weenis!

LATER: Sparkly thong completely bent out of shape. Can't these skanks buy their OWN panties? Honestly!

Lawsuits: 5

Missing frilly undergarments. 3

Day 17 – Nurse's union complaining about Wilson again. Haven't they ever heard of birth control and condoms? Hello! Nurses can read the sex-ed brochures in the clinic too!

Settled with Foreman. Negotiated posting dirty photos of House w/ duck on porno site.

Negotiated 25 of gross. Rather like taking candy from babies, really.

Paternity suits citing Wilson as father: 17

Lawsuits citing Wilson as STD carrier. 26

Lawsuits citing House as big meanie: 7

Day 18 – Would you look at Chase and Wilson going at House like cats in cream. If those guys were any gayer I could sell tickets. HEY! There's an idea. Will bring it up at next board meeting. Lord knows we aren't making money as medical professionals or anything.

LATER: Ordered bulk penicillin for STD outbreak and samples of Vicodin-flavored lube. Got 40 discount for flashing boobies at doofus named Vogler.

GO ME!


	7. Chapter 7

The VSJ of Det. Michael Tritter

By Bard"forgivemefatherforIhavesinned"vahalla (2006)

Day 1: Have decided to quit smoking. Am stronger than little white stick. I will beat this!

Day 2: Beat 15 people guilty of minor parking infractions. Suspect nicotine withdrawal getting to me just a teensy bit. Will try that gum stuff.

Day 3: Only beat up 5 loitering boy scouts & little old lady who jaywalked. Think gum is working.

Innocent bystanders intimidated: 6 - V. good

Day 4: Sudden rash on winky v. annoying. Can't be STD. Am still virgin.

Day 5: Of all the NERVE! First drug-crazed doctor takes temperature the old-fashioned way with oversized turkeybaster, then leaves without giving me phone number. Why do all my dates end like this?

Day 6: Demanded apology. Dr. House all dashing and defiant– refused to go on second date. Damn his dreamy, penetrating, wildly blue eyes!

Elderly people bullied: 3 - N. Bad

Day 7: Am not taking no for answer. Pulled House over for speeding and frisked v.v. thoroughly. LATER: Vicodin bottle in pants v. misleading. Still, is terribly hot in leather ensemble.

Later: Cavity search total disappointment. No drugs … did find assortment of MP3 players tho.

Day 8: Cannot believe that skank Wilson put up bail! Dammit! Hoped to see House with five days of manly stubble instead of just three.

Nurses threatened with permanent criminal records: 12. Good!

Day 9: Searched House's apartment illegally. Found porno stash. V. pervy tastes. Scruffy men in plaid schoolgirl outfits? Like EW!

LATER: Also found 600 Vicodin stashed under box of stale Twinkies and various sparkly thongs. Like Ew! Totally cannot believe a doctor would eat _Twinkies_. All those empty carbs! Ugh!

Day 10: So obvious House forging Wilson's signature on Vicodin prescriptions. House never puts the little heart over the 'i'. The big silly!

Illegal searches, seizures and wiretaps: 24. Excellent!!

Day 11: Slutty Wilson so obviously has hots for House.

UPDATE - Wilson also has a thing for silk plant in lobby, Chase in sparkly thongs, Forman in plaid skirts and midget in X-ray. SO why am I the one with rash on winky?

Day 12: Offered deal to House. Refused. Will not even just go out for a friendly coffee with me. What does a virginal but butch cop have to do to play doctor around here??

Dates in last year. 34.

Times laid: 0

Number of dates now in prison: 31. V. v. good!

Day 13: HA! Have frozen assets of all House's friends and employees. Will not let up until he takes me to dinner and movie. Cuddy all pissy. Is all "Look at my Boooooooooobies! Isn't there ONE guy in this hospital who like BOOBIES??? C'mon already!!"

Double EW. Hate needy chicks.

Day 14: Like OMG! Cameron pretends she hates House but secretly she's obsessed to the point that she can't see she's acting like a spoiled child in a pathetic effort to gain his attention.

Day 15: Whiney Cameron says I pretend to hate House but secretly I'm obsessed to the point that I can't see I'm acting like a spoiled child in a pathetic effort to gain his attention.

AS IF!

Day 16: Chase cannot keep his hands off my handcuffs. Is all: "I'll squeal. I'll tell you everything. Please please please."

Plaid skirt such a turn off.

Feeble attempts to chat up silk plant in lobby. 6.

Day 17: Wilson offering to play House with me. Am considering.

LATER: Saw House with midget, Chase with Cuddy in Nun oufit and Wilson with turkeybaster. Doesn't anyone practice medicine in this place?

Day 18: Chief of police all snippy. "Can't you hire an male escort instead of making the whole department look stupid?"

Took vacation. Went to PPTH. Curled into fetal position and snuggled House's old medical files. Stupid Chief!

Internal investigations into my illegal conduct. 14. V. bad.

Day 19: Foreman caught me sniffing House's cane. Think he suspects. Nice tats tho…

Day 20: Want cigarette. Want House. So v. v. tired of being virgin. Am depressed.

Day 21: Brill idea!! Offered House 100 Vicodin in exchange for dirty weekend.

LATER: Asked if he could have attorney present. And a rat. What the HELL is that all about?

Day 22: Egads! Had no idea an oversized tennis ball in conjunction with a cane could be so versatile.

GO ME!!!

Charges dropped against House. 15.

Vicodin pills left: 350.

Vacation days left: 34

Day 23: Does this plaid skirt make me look fat?


End file.
